Fear Born of Love

Patsy Cline’s soulful voice floats into my bedroom in my mother’s house. I’d moved in with Mom to take care of her
after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

“Turn that music up. You know ‘Crazy’ is my favorite song,” Mom says. Well, that makes sense. I feel like we are both crazy at this point. I wonder how Patsy was able to take a quick glance at my life and put it to song.

I go into the kitchen and begin making Mom’s favorite meal. I remember the many times she’d made it for me. Placing the dish in front of her, I smile and say, “Dinner’s ready, Mom.”

“Well, it’s about time you got here. You haven’t been here for three days,” she says.

“Oh, my word, Mom. You can’t remember anything.”

I stomp to my bedroom and slam the door hard enough to move a hanging picture of Mom. Her frozen smile is so full of hope. She had a different plan for her life too.

Tears glisten in my eyes. I’m so ashamed of my behavior. I’m just so scared. I walk back to Mom and tell her I’m sorry. Tell her how much I love her. I know the caregiving will get harder. My patience will be tested. But I need to remember, my fear is born of love.